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What’s behind sibling rivalry
Maybe your preschooler is about to be joined by a new baby brother or sister. Or maybe her sibling is already here — and she’s less than thrilled about it. Either way, sibling rivalry is a tough issue for preschoolers (and the parents who love them). Your firstborn may react to losing her place in the spotlight by misbehaving or regressing (sitting in the baby’s seat or asking to drink from a bottle, especially when you’re nursing or changing a diaper). She may even try to punish your new addition by yanking his arm or snatching a toy.
Refereeing sibling rivalry isn’t for the faint of heart. But with some careful navigation and lots of understanding, you can minimize the headaches and make life at home more harmonious.
What you can do about it
Prepare your preschooler for the new arrival. Three or four months before the baby is due, tell your child, truthfully and directly, about the coming birth. This is a good time to break the news because she can see what you’re talking about — your belly will be big enough that the idea of a baby in there won’t be too abstract, and she can feel her sibling-to-be moving and kicking. Plus, you won’t be telling her so early that she’s likely to forget all about it or get antsy waiting for the impending birth — as she might if you tell her early in the pregnancy.
Let your preschooler play decorator. Invite her to help you make simple decisions about the baby’s room or pick out furniture or supplies: “Where should we put the rocking chair?” “Do you think we should buy this bunny comforter or the one with the ducks?” If you need to change her routine (move her into a different bedroom or bed, for instance), do it a couple of months before the baby’s arrival so she doesn’t feel displaced.
Explain what will happen once you go into labor. A few weeks before your due date, prepare your preschooler for your upcoming absence. Discuss the arrangements as clearly and simply as you can. Though you’ll likely be at the hospital for only a day or two, she may be upset by the upheaval. So if a relative, friend, or babysitter is going to stay with her, you might ask that person to spend a night in your home a week or two before the big event. If possible, have your preschooler visit you at the hospital so she feels that she’s an essential part of your new, larger family right from the get-go. Take pictures of her with the baby — giving her the message that this is a monumental time for her, too, as the big sister. Some families even have birthday parties with a cake and a present “from” their newborn to his older sibling.
Involve your preschooler in baby duty. Once the baby comes home, let your firstborn help out — she may surprise you with how much she can do. When you bathe the baby, she can help soap his legs or bring the diapers. When he cries, ask her to gently pat his back or find his pacifier. If she begs to hold her new sibling, have her sit in a chair with pillows on either side of her, then prop the baby in her lap and stay nearby to be sure all is well.
Ask your preschooler for advice and help, too: “Do you think the baby would like to wear the blue shirt or yellow shirt?” or “Do you want to help me tell the story?” Preschoolers often have a natural flair for entertainment — singing, dancing, or just making faces — and a baby is an appreciative audience. Not only will your child enjoy the attention, she’s likely to take pride in bringing a smile to her sibling’s face. Books can also help your firstborn adjust. Joanna Cole’s gender-specific I’m a Big Sister and I’m a Big Brother are good places to start.
If your preschooler doesn’t want to help, though, don’t push it. A lot of kids just want to ignore their tiny siblings — at least for as long as they can. So don’t force your preschooler to play a greater role than she wants to. She’ll come around in time, but you could easily cause more resentment by insisting that she pitch in.
Provide plenty of “Mom” time. It’s natural for your toddler to feel jealous. After all, she suddenly has to share you with someone who requires an extraordinary amount of your time and attention. Rather than scolding her, acknowledge her feelings: “You wish I wouldn’t spend so much time with the baby,” you might say, so she knows you understand her point of view. Take some time each day to do something just with her, even if it’s only a few minutes of drawing or building with blocks — and even if it means handing off your crying baby to your mate. Show your preschooler pictures of herself as a baby, and tell her that she needed lots of special care, too. Point out the perks of being a big kid — how she walks, talks, dresses, and feeds herself, and all the cool things she gets to play with and do. If this makes her patronizingly tolerant toward the baby, consider it progress.
Be prepared for aggression. All kids feel jealous sometimes, but preschoolers may act on those feelings. Don’t be surprised if your firstborn pinches her new sibling or “hugs” him way too tightly. While your little one’s aggression toward your other beloved isn’t easy to witness, it is a relatively common outlet for her anger. When you’re alone with your preschooler, encourage her to talk about her feelings of jealousy and anger. Tell her that it’s natural to feel this way and that it doesn’t mean she’s bad. But make it clear that trying to hurt the baby because of those feelings is not okay.
If she is aggressive, intervene right away. Don’t humiliate or punish her physically — you may prompt her to take revenge on the baby later. Instead, tell her plainly that her behavior won’t cut it. Say, “It’s not okay to hurt the baby.” You may want to give her a time-out until she has a handle on her emotions. Never leave your preschooler alone with the baby — but don’t let on that it’s because you don’t trust her. Even if your firstborn is generally affectionate, take all obvious precautions — keep sharp objects well out of reach, and don’t leave her in charge of the stroller, even for a second (otherwise, you may find it careening downhill!).
Most importantly, remind yourself that while the months after a new baby is born are undeniably tough, they’re over quickly. Before you know it, your newborn will be tagging along after his big sister, and — when they’re not tussling over toys and competing for your affection — the two of them will be forging a bond that’ll last a lifetime.
By Douglas Gorney
Using signs gives babies a way to “talk” with their parents, before they can talk. Babies can communicate about the world around them, long before they have mastered their verbal speaking skills!
Babies and toddlers often use signs as a natural part of the communication process. Many babies know how to wave “bye-bye” or use a headshake to mean “no.” The Baby Signs Program can help your baby use lots of other gestures to communicate just as easily as these more common “signs.”
You might even already be using signs without realizing it! If you are singing your child’s favorite songs and nursery rhymes along with finger or hand movements, you are actually helping your child learn signs that can be useful outside the song. Your child may sign back to you when you are eating, getting ready for bed, or walking to the park, or taking a bath or…
The Baby Signs Program is based on the groundbreaking Baby Signs Research which began an international movement to teach hearing babies to use signs. After 20 years of careful study, Baby Signs Researchers proved that using signs actually enhances language, cognitive, and social-emotional development.
As your baby grows into a toddler he’ll be more eager to sample food from your plate — and you’ll be eager to introduce some variety to his diet. But not all foods are safe for your child. Some may pose a choking hazard, a few aren’t good for your baby’s still-developing digestive system, and others may be potential allergens.
(Some families are more prone to allergies than others, too. If yours is one, read on for suggestions about how long to hold off on certain foods.)
Here’s an age-by-age look at foods to avoid:
Foods to avoid: Newborn to 4 or 6 months
All solid food: The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that you feed your baby only breast milk or formula for the first four to six months.
Foods to avoid: 4 to 12 months
Citrus: Introducing citrus juices before age 1 may provoke an allergic reaction, especially if allergies run in your family.
Egg whites: You can give egg yolks to your baby now, but wait a year on the protein-rich whites because he may be allergic to them. In fact, if you think he may be at high risk for allergies, you might even delay giving your baby the whites until he’s 2.
Honey: Honey can harbor spores of Clostridium botulinum (botulism). An adult’s intestinal tract can prevent the growth of these spores, but in a baby the spores can grow and produce life-threatening toxins.
Peanut butter: Peanuts are highly allergenic. Rather than risk a violent allergic reaction, wait until your child is a year old before introducing peanut butter. If you or your mate has peanut allergies, wait until your child is at least 3 before giving him a PB&J.
Wheat or wheat products: Most babies can handle wheat (cereal, breads) when they’re about 6 to 8 months old, but wheat is the most common grain allergen, so if you’re concerned about allergies, it might be a good idea to wait until your baby is 1.
Shellfish: Because it can be highly allergenic, experts recommend delaying shellfish in your baby’s diet until reached his first birthday (or until he’s between 3 and 4 years old if you suspect he’s susceptible to allergies).
Tree nuts (like pecans and walnuts): If you think your baby is at risk for allergies, you might want to wait until he’s 3 or 4 before giving him nuts; otherwise he can probably handle them when he’s 1, as long as they’re pureed in food or in nut butters. (Pieces of nuts pose a choking hazard.)
Other potential allergens: If you’re concerned that your baby may be prone to allergies (because you and/or your partner is), you might choose to delay other common allergens — like corn, soy, chocolate, or any food that you’re allergic to — until your baby’s at least 1. Depending on the seriousness of your allergy and other factors, you may want to wait even longer. For help making this decision, talk to your child’s doctor. (Also see “highly allergenic foods,” below, under “Foods to avoid: 12 to 36 months.”) If you’re breastfeeding, avoiding all nuts and possibly eggs and milk in your own diet may help in delaying or preventing allergies in your baby.
Cows’ milk: Stick with breast milk or formula until your child’s first birthday. Why? Your baby can’t digest the protein in cows’ milk for the first year, it doesn’t have all the nutrients he needs, and it contains minerals in amounts that can damage his kidneys.
Hot dogs: Once you start feeding your baby meat, keep in mind that he can easily choke on bite-size pieces of hot dog unless you cut the dog lengthwise before slicing it into quarter-inch pieces. (If you do serve hot dogs, try vegetarian versions for a healthier treat.)
Large chunks of any fruit, vegetable (cooked or raw), or meat: Pea-size pieces are safest.
Raw vegetables like carrots: Carrots should be shredded or cooked and cut up, so they won’t get stuck in your child’s throat. The same goes for celery and green beans.
String cheese: Cut cheese into very small pieces or shreds.
Whole grapes: Cut grapes, cherry tomatoes, and melon balls into quarters before serving. The whole fruit could get stuck in your child’s throat.
Small, hard foods: Hard candies such as gumdrops, cough drops, nuts, popcorn, lollipops, raisins, and other small dried fruit, seeds, and chewing gum are potential choking hazards. Also avoid certain soft foods that might get lodged in your child’s throat, like marshmallows and jelly candies.
More choking prevention:
€ Avoid letting your child eat in the car as it’s hard to supervise while driving.
€ If you use a rub-on teething medication, keep an even closer eye on your baby as this can numb the throat and interfere with swallowing.
Foods to avoid: 12 to 36 months
Low-fat milk: Your toddler still needs the higher fat and caloric content of whole milk for growth and development. Once he turns 2 (and if he doesn’t have any growth problems), you can start giving him lower-fat milk, if you like.
Choking hazards: Continue to avoid all the choking hazards listed for babies, above; your child might still have trouble getting them down safely. Also be careful not to give him large chunks of peanut butter. Instead, spread it thinly on bread or crackers, or thin it with some applesauce before spreading.
Highly allergenic foods: Most kids can handle common allergens by their first birthday. But if you’re concerned about allergies, experts suggest delaying the introduction of egg whites until age 2, tree nuts, shellfish, fish, and peanuts (including peanut butter) until your baby is at least 3.
Foods to avoid: age 3 and up
Choking hazards: Your child is a competent eater now, but you should still be on the lookout for pieces of food that he could choke on. Continue to avoid popcorn; hard, round foods; and whole pieces of nuts. Also continue to quarter hot dogs before slicing them, and cut up other foods, such as grapes, that might get lodged in his throat.
More choking prevention: Try to keep your busy toddler from eating while walking or running!
Allergens: Most children outgrow allergies by age 3, so your preschooler can safely eat a wide variety of foods. (Note: Allergies to some foods, like nuts and shellfish, can persist for years, so you may need to steer clear of them for some time to come. Talk to your doctor if you have questions about those allergenic foods.)
Warning signs of an allergic reaction
Signs of an allergic or bad reaction to food include vomiting, diarrhea, rash, swelling, abdominal pain, cough, crankiness, excessive gas, hives, itching, runny nose, shortness of breath, stomach bloating, and wheezing. Symptoms most often show up within a few hours of eating. Call your doctor right away if you think your child may be reacting badly to something he ate.
By the BabyCenter editorial staff (www.babycenter.com)
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