What’s behind sibling rivalry
Maybe your preschooler is about to be joined by a new baby brother or sister. Or maybe her sibling is already here — and she’s less than thrilled about it. Either way, sibling rivalry is a tough issue for preschoolers (and the parents who love them). Your firstborn may react to losing her place in the spotlight by misbehaving or regressing (sitting in the baby’s seat or asking to drink from a bottle, especially when you’re nursing or changing a diaper). She may even try to punish your new addition by yanking his arm or snatching a toy.

Refereeing sibling rivalry isn’t for the faint of heart. But with some careful navigation and lots of understanding, you can minimize the headaches and make life at home more harmonious.

What you can do about it
Prepare your preschooler for the new arrival. Three or four months before the baby is due, tell your child, truthfully and directly, about the coming birth. This is a good time to break the news because she can see what you’re talking about — your belly will be big enough that the idea of a baby in there won’t be too abstract, and she can feel her sibling-to-be moving and kicking. Plus, you won’t be telling her so early that she’s likely to forget all about it or get antsy waiting for the impending birth — as she might if you tell her early in the pregnancy.

Let your preschooler play decorator. Invite her to help you make simple decisions about the baby’s room or pick out furniture or supplies: “Where should we put the rocking chair?” “Do you think we should buy this bunny comforter or the one with the ducks?” If you need to change her routine (move her into a different bedroom or bed, for instance), do it a couple of months before the baby’s arrival so she doesn’t feel displaced.

Explain what will happen once you go into labor. A few weeks before your due date, prepare your preschooler for your upcoming absence. Discuss the arrangements as clearly and simply as you can. Though you’ll likely be at the hospital for only a day or two, she may be upset by the upheaval. So if a relative, friend, or babysitter is going to stay with her, you might ask that person to spend a night in your home a week or two before the big event. If possible, have your preschooler visit you at the hospital so she feels that she’s an essential part of your new, larger family right from the get-go. Take pictures of her with the baby — giving her the message that this is a monumental time for her, too, as the big sister. Some families even have birthday parties with a cake and a present “from” their newborn to his older sibling.

Involve your preschooler in baby duty. Once the baby comes home, let your firstborn help out — she may surprise you with how much she can do. When you bathe the baby, she can help soap his legs or bring the diapers. When he cries, ask her to gently pat his back or find his pacifier. If she begs to hold her new sibling, have her sit in a chair with pillows on either side of her, then prop the baby in her lap and stay nearby to be sure all is well.

Ask your preschooler for advice and help, too: “Do you think the baby would like to wear the blue shirt or yellow shirt?” or “Do you want to help me tell the story?” Preschoolers often have a natural flair for entertainment — singing, dancing, or just making faces — and a baby is an appreciative audience. Not only will your child enjoy the attention, she’s likely to take pride in bringing a smile to her sibling’s face. Books can also help your firstborn adjust. Joanna Cole’s gender-specific I’m a Big Sister and I’m a Big Brother are good places to start.

If your preschooler doesn’t want to help, though, don’t push it. A lot of kids just want to ignore their tiny siblings — at least for as long as they can. So don’t force your preschooler to play a greater role than she wants to. She’ll come around in time, but you could easily cause more resentment by insisting that she pitch in.

Provide plenty of “Mom” time. It’s natural for your toddler to feel jealous. After all, she suddenly has to share you with someone who requires an extraordinary amount of your time and attention. Rather than scolding her, acknowledge her feelings: “You wish I wouldn’t spend so much time with the baby,” you might say, so she knows you understand her point of view. Take some time each day to do something just with her, even if it’s only a few minutes of drawing or building with blocks — and even if it means handing off your crying baby to your mate. Show your preschooler pictures of herself as a baby, and tell her that she needed lots of special care, too. Point out the perks of being a big kid — how she walks, talks, dresses, and feeds herself, and all the cool things she gets to play with and do. If this makes her patronizingly tolerant toward the baby, consider it progress.

Be prepared for aggression. All kids feel jealous sometimes, but preschoolers may act on those feelings. Don’t be surprised if your firstborn pinches her new sibling or “hugs” him way too tightly. While your little one’s aggression toward your other beloved isn’t easy to witness, it is a relatively common outlet for her anger. When you’re alone with your preschooler, encourage her to talk about her feelings of jealousy and anger. Tell her that it’s natural to feel this way and that it doesn’t mean she’s bad. But make it clear that trying to hurt the baby because of those feelings is not okay.

If she is aggressive, intervene right away. Don’t humiliate or punish her physically — you may prompt her to take revenge on the baby later. Instead, tell her plainly that her behavior won’t cut it. Say, “It’s not okay to hurt the baby.” You may want to give her a time-out until she has a handle on her emotions. Never leave your preschooler alone with the baby — but don’t let on that it’s because you don’t trust her. Even if your firstborn is generally affectionate, take all obvious precautions — keep sharp objects well out of reach, and don’t leave her in charge of the stroller, even for a second (otherwise, you may find it careening downhill!).

Most importantly, remind yourself that while the months after a new baby is born are undeniably tough, they’re over quickly. Before you know it, your newborn will be tagging along after his big sister, and — when they’re not tussling over toys and competing for your affection — the two of them will be forging a bond that’ll last a lifetime.

By Douglas Gorney